Living in Silos; 5 Keys to better Communication
Communication is key. If there is one piece of advice all couples receive, it is this. While this is great advice, there is seldom any follow up or practical tips for how to communicate well and effectively. We explain communication as sharing with our significant other our thoughts, feelings, and day to day lives. It is allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with the one we love. Yes to all of this AND this too...allowing space for our significant other to do the same! What are they thinking, feeling, and experiencing on a daily basis? If I am frustrated about this, are they? If I want the opportunity to openly proclaim my praises, annoyances, successes, and challenges, do I also give the opportunity for my partner to do the same? Here are 5 Keys to Effective and Positive Communication (the second part of Communication is key!)
Step Out of Your Silo
Make a conscious and intentional effort to connect with your significant other multiple times throughout the day. We are on our phones constantly! The beauty of texting is being able to send a quick text and they are able to read it and respond when they are available. Perfect. Small, meaningful, and simple way to connect. It could be a funny meme, sharing a silly thing that just happened, an emoji. Something that says they are on your mind.
When you are together, speak their love language (if you don’t know what that is, find out here Quizzes - The 5 Love Languages® and take the quiz together!) Hold their hand, work with them in the yard, bring them their favorite snack, sit on the porch together, write them a small note of love and affection. Reach out and establish a meaningful connection with them.
Cultivate a Desire to Understand
It is easy to allow experience or past conversations to cloud future interactions. We begin to leave out parts of conversation because we think we know what the other person will say or how they will respond. This is not a fair tactic nor is it helpful for productive conversations. If you notice there is a pattern with a certain subject, acknowledge it openly. “Last time we discussed going camping in the fall you shuddered at the possibility of freezing at night and had no desire. Is that how you still feel or would you be open to trying it this year?” This allows them to speak for themselves and gives you the chance to share something that is important to you. Openly sharing how we feel and allowing the other to do the same without judgment or defensiveness cultivates healthy conversations and communication.
Listen and Listen Well.
Holding space for our significant other to talk to us about anything and everything increases vulnerability which directly boosts intimacy. Listening well involves caring. Caring about how they feel, see the world, express emotions, display their concerns, process events and experiences. Caring about them as a whole person will allow you to listen and listen well.
It is Not Always About You
This is hard to hear. Yes, they love you and think of you throughout the day and eagerly anticipate sharing and experiencing life with you -AND- they like to tell you about interactions they have, emotions they are experiencing, and challenges they are facing without worrying about you feeling attacked. Give them space to be open and vulnerable.
Take a Time Out
In times of conflict and feeling hurt your body begins to respond. It can be felt in your chest as you get agitated and breathing quickens. Your hands as they get sweaty. Your face and ears as they become flushed. Communicate that you need to take a break from the conversation to have a more respectful and productive conversation. Establish a time you will return and hold to that time. Walk away. Breathe. Remind yourself of the important points and intentionally try to see your partner’s side. Practice a soft start up using “I statements” to reenter the conversation.
Communication takes practice and intentional effort on both sides. Practice being open and vulnerable and holding space for your partner to do the same. Take time to connect and check in with each other on the mundane tasks of each day to foster those habits and more easily utilize them when bigger issues arise. Remember that you are not perfect and are not going off a script and neither is your significant other. Give grace, seek understanding, and intentionally care.
